Forgive

It's 9/11 and I went to church tonight. All of the readings were about forgiveness. I got loooots of forgiving to do. Mostly, I gotta forgive myself for my busted behavior.

I have avoided writing about the Big Heartbreaker since I started this blog last year. I gave him barely a mention using my Flute Playah's nickname, Bobble Head. So I guess either way, BH will do. The years my heart wasted on him! I was the coolest Cool Girl I could be with him and it didn't work. There is a song by The Script called Breakeven and the whole song is genius but the title line in the chorus says it all: "And when a heart breaks, no it don't break even." I was broken for years after. I am friends with every guy I've ever messed around with, something Stand-Up Yogi gives me shit for, but with him, I am not. We sure tried. Several times.  But today, if I saw him on the street, I probably would run in the other direction to avoid him.

What's amazing to me is when two people sharing the same space at the same time can actually be on two different planets. I've erased a bunch of what I've written sofar about this because I realized there is that part of me that wants to give the proof. I want all of you to rise up and say, "You are RIGHT. He DID love you! You're not CRAZY!!" But in the end, it's just a point of view, isn't it? And the only thing that I can change is myself. Learn & Grow, Learn & Grow... my new mantra.

I will give a little of the beginning and some of the end for you.
I first ran into BH while I was running into the Actor's Federal Credit Union on West 48th in New York. He was hopping out of A Brother From Another Mothah's car- they had been driving across country on tour together, just making a pit stop in the city, really. It was quite incredible timing. I saw him and air left my lungs. And my next thought was "Why do I have to have overalls on right now?! And my hair's in pigtails? Really?!" Blue-green eyes and thick beautiful hair and his hello was like he knew me forever... In less than a minute, he was gone.

When he got off of the tour, he became a part of a group of dudes I would hang out with at the bars in Midtown. I drank lots of Jaeger then. I wouldn't see him too often, but when I did it was crazy fun. Then he had a girlfriend who moved in and I reeeally didn't see him. I figured they were on the road to getting married. Then he came to my 29th Birthday Party.

My friend Biscuit was turning 30 and since our birthdays were close, she asked me if I wanted to do a huge dual party. We rented out the Frying Pan, a rusty boat permanently docked on a Pier off the West Side Highway in Chelsea. Like the good Philadelphian I am, I ordered two 6 foot long hoagies and a whole bunch of sides from a deli in Park Slope, Brooklyn to bring. Around noon on the day of the party, a friend went with me to pick up the order in her car and with the hoagies between us, headed to Manhattan, I get a distress call from Biscuit: The Frying Pan was shut down because of a shooting the night before! Yes, as in guns, not film. Three Hundred people had to be contacted before 8pm and told...what?! We needed a new venue. I frantically put out the calls to my posse. The Lead In All the Plays In College came through! I now had a place to go with the hoagies: The Gaslight just 10 blocks away. TLIAPIC knew the owner. He greeted me and my food with open arms. I cried with relief.

Needless to say, Biscuit and I celebrated by getting waaaasted with tiaras on our Leonine heads. 278 peeps still made it! And it was a par-TAY. And then ABFAM shoves his way to the bar with BH traveling close behind. I light up like a Christmas Tree- no girlfriend in tow! We start to chat and I ask, "So, you engaged yet?" And he turns pink and may have choked on his vodka gimlet. "No, NO. We broke up. She's moving out tonight, actually." I really try hard to have the correct response, but I know the alcohol is preventing that as I smile through my "Oh, I'm so sorry!" I get distracted by some new people who have arrived but when I put my attention back on him, I have made a decision to do the boldest thing I've ever done in my 29 years. "So can I ask you for a birthday present?", I say, tiara cocked to the side. "Of course," he answers. "Can you kiss me before you leave? Just as a birthday gift, you know." He grins. "I can do that." "GOOD!" I exclaim and scurry away. I hang with college buddies for a while and laugh til my drunk belly hurts. A guy I will only now call Hickey Man (story to come in a later blog entry) who is one of the We've Been Intimate But of COURSE I'll Just Be Your Friend dudes in my life, has pulled me aside because crowds freak him out and he wants some one on one time with me. I'm smiling up at HM's face which is far away from me because he's so tall and wondering if we will ever do a repeat of our shenanigans, when out of the blue, BH marches up to me with his coat on, drags me into a corner and makes out with me. It was really hot. When I finally stopped trying to talk during it. "Wooow. Thanks," I squeak out. "You're welcome. See you soon." And he's gone. Needless to say, all of my college buddies jaws were on the floor and then erupted into shouting as HM kept his attention on the bottom of his drink.

It was a damn good birthday.

But BH's girlfriend did NOT move out that night and yet I saw him out socially more and more with the Straight Theatre Guy Crew. Flute Playah came out one night randomly and saw our interaction and confirmed for me, "Kathy, he's soooo into you!" I tended to agree since he made comments about how nice my ass looked in my black velvet pants throughout the night. Yet it's strange being the Girl Friday in the middle of a group of straight guys. There is an unspoken understanding that certain lines do not get crossed and if they DO for some reason, you do not discuss it.

One of the STGC was getting married in Virginia in the fall. He moved away before BH was around so much so he didn't get an invite. But I got to bring a guest. So I asked him to go. I am sitting here shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all. And he totally said yes. Just to be clear- he was not my DATE. It was like I was making up for an oversight. I was completing the STGC circle that had been broken, like only Cool Girl could. His ex or girlfriend or whatever she was still lived at his apartment.

We had one night alone- the rest of the Crew were at a rehearsal, I think. Me & BH headed to the mall. It was nice having quality time. He complimented my outfit and we were strolling passed the GAP and Orange Julius with our hands almost touching, and talking without being under the usual influence of alcohol was nice. We went into a men's store and I helped him pick out a dress shirt. Deep green. He said he liked the color because it made his eyes pop. He added, "It makes your eyes pop, too." Then he made some comment about my adorable Irish nose... you could cut the tension with a knife. But we rejoined the masses without incident and went karaoke-ing at a local dive bar.

Back at our hotel room, there were two queen sized beds and four of us staying there. Instead of having a discussion, BH decided to tackle me onto the bed and then bounced on it like Tigger next to me. Decision made. When the lights went out, we slowly began to cross the line from sharing space to cuddling but he put on the brakes, much to my disappointment. I didn't sleep a wink. Never in my LIFE had I been so tortured.

The boys were all going bowling the next morn before the ceremony that night and I was left to my own devices and did the girly-est thing I could think of- I got a pedicure. But what I really did was think about the previous day's events over & over... "He must like me. He MUST." Somehow, we ended up at a bar just a few hours before the wedding, BH, ABFAM & I and they played Golden Tee and I watched. Eventually, I looked at the time and only said, "I will not be rushed. Just so you guys know." I will never forget the look on BH's face. He guffawed. And we left to get our shiz together at the hotel, which included Red Headed Sluts in the bathroom...I have never seen such a sticky mess. And have never been so drunk before a wedding ceremony before or since.

The ceremony was beautiful, the couple fit like stunning, giant Arian bookends- she at 6 feet and him at 6'7", both with blond manes of hair and smiles that could light a small country. I'm sure I cried, especially when one of the STGC's sang from the balcony of the small colonial church. But there was partying to do! And we sure did. There was no assigned seating and we grabbed a table in the back; there was a buffet SOMEwhere, but I only seemed to find the mountain of fruits & vegetables I passed on the way to the bar. There were many, many drinks and little eating... I'm sure I begged BH to dance with me at one point but he was very on guard and I think I got a half a song out of him. Then the Groom asked if I would sing with the wedding band- an old-school R&B band with guys who looked like they stepped out of a Rolling Stone photo from 1963. Wasted, I did a version of Respect that I thiiiink lasted 15 minutes and sounded more like Janis Joplin than Aretha. The crowd went ape-shit. And BH swept me up and took me to a private table where he bombarded me with questions about what I wanted to do with my life and where I saw myself in 10 years and deep shit like that. I loved that he wanted to be close with me, alone with me, that he wanted to get inside my head and cared about what I thought and felt and was passionate about. But most of all, I loved that he was challenging- he made me think. I looked into his face and realized there would never be a dull moment with him. He was unbelievably funny and smart and talented and magnetic and sexy and interested in the world and perfect for me. We were bookends, too. I was convinced, even in my drunken haze. We could be a POWER couple, for Christ's Sake!

Eventually, we got interrupted by the STGC who were "wondering where the fuck we were."

I got up from that table and realized I was in love. And completely fucked.

This has been very difficult to write. SO this is the end of the beginning. The beginning of the end coming soon...