I didn't waaant to have another Cool Girl entry IN me. I wanted to believe I had evolved PAST her mess and become something truthful and out of the shadows and forthcoming. No need for an online confessional. I mainly didn't want to write about The Carpenter because I wanted to protect him, I think. But what just happened is something that is too good not to share and too awful to feel on my own. So, I'm draggin' y'all with me, Peeps!
I'll start at the end.
I hadn't seen Improv Barbie in a minute. I love her. She listens to my bullshit about this guy alllll the tiiime because we produced a show together that he was The Carpenter for which is how we met. She's been a witness to the shenanigans (you knooow how important those are to me!). I was sitting in her car talking about him on the way home from a strange errand which involved going to a shady part of Downtown LA. As I began to tell her an elaborate, dramatic story about why I was trying to distance myself from him, he texteded. And called. And then apparently, I called him back without knowing. And he was left with an 8 minute vivid conversation about my feelings about him on his voice mail.
I meeeeeeeeannnnn, reeeeallllly.
He called BACK and left me ANOTHER voice mail, completely amused that he got to hear the entire tirade. My heart sank into my belly and I laughed through panic, panicked through astonishment that Karma could ACTually be that swift when kicking you in the gut.
So, I loved this man. Love this man, actually. Which is the whole problem. I've been straight up with him during almost our entire friendship about my feelings for more than friendship and we continued our flirty friendship as I hoped one day things would progress even though after being up front with him I got a lot of stuttering and a big "I'm Confuuused" from him. The following is what I was telling Improv Barbie about- how I finally broke.
I was out of town for a minute and came back, got a new haircut and a highlight and had a great audition within the first few days or returning. I talked to TC about it and asked if he was free to read my sides with me. He's a good actor and I had to work out how much physicality I had to do because the scene was me teaching a guy how to country line dance. It was a sexy lil scene. And in all honesty, I wanted to do the scene with him because I'm a masochistic asshole. He said he might have time the next day so hit him up in the afternoon to see if he was done with work early. And I did that. And he said he had a meeting in Hollywood later and couldn't. But I knew that because that was part of the equation when we talked the day before. And so I Really?! Reeeally?!-d him in texts and left a voice mail explaining how I was just 10 mins away from him and my audition was close to him and- wait- did you forget? You forgot. You tooootally forgot that I asked you about it. (That's pretty much how it went.) He called me back and was all "I had a crazy day and my nephew wants me to do something for him and blah blah blah". I said, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?! I totally could've gotten someone else to read but now to get someone on the West Side ain't gonna happen...you forgot, didn't you?" Silence. "Yes, I forgot." "Okay, great. I'll go then and try to get someone now." Click. Yes, I hung up like a bitch. And he called me back before I could call other actor friends and cried,"Did you just hang up on me?!" I denied for a second but then I admitted I did because I had to FIND someone quick since he wasn't able and then he said, "Come over and let's do it." So I did.
It's always nice to see him. I hate how nice it is. We hug. I can't really hug him; I don't trust any of it. I don't know how I'm actually going to do this scene without being a wreck. I give him Strawberry Rhubarb Jam from my trip and he makes us sandwiches. It's so easy being with him; I hate myself for wanting more the entire time I'm with him. Being friends would be easy and for a really long time. I manage to shake it off and get down to business and we rehearse. And I'm being my flirty self and get the giggles and he comments about it and I ask to start over and we do and it's good, too good, like for-reals-not-for-fake good and all of a sudden he asks about the breakdown of the character. And I say what I remember: that she's a warm, friendly person who likes the guy right away and really confident about herself. He then suggests that I don't be so giggly flirty "like you actually are" but more direct in my intentions. I do it again but am in my head and really don't do anything at all. So he gets up and wants to do the scene FOR me, like MY part. I said, "Ooookaaay..." and then he did it and was very physical and...clear about what he wanted. I had a moment of WTF in my head and then went to my email and read the description out loud. We both were pretty sure what it was supposed to be, which was my first instinct and he said, "Never mind, never mind, you were right, do what you were doing, do you." After a few more times, I left and walked out thinking, "Whaaaat was THAT?!"
Becausssse I couldn't help but think about it as some kind of personal criticism about how I "am" with flirting. I'm all up in my head about what he actually thinks about my intentions- is it all just fun times? Even though I have SAID OUT LOUD that I feel something more and what I would like to do with him? And then as I'm sitting in the car waiting to go into my audition, I realize it's NOT fun for me. It's not. It hurts. So I'm trying to get my head together for this audition and I manage to be fiiiine but admittedly a bit distracted and I can't afford to be. Because choosing to do this shit is already too hard to be even a little off my game. And maybe that's why I haven't had a serious relationship ever in the first place. And I decide I'm done in that moment. But it wasn't soooo easy; I needed a 5 hour heart to heart with Full Out Jersey Italian to put the nail in the coffin. I was going to pull it back. I was going to not respond. AND I wasn't going to make a big deal about it up on a soap box. I wasn't going to tell him. I was just gonna DO it.
And this...is what he heard...on the 8 minute voice mail.
Can you even FUCKING imagine?
I text him this:
Horrified.
Jenny was with me.
Have to prepare for an audition.
Can I scrape up some dignity and call you later?
He responded that I shouldn't be horrified and of course I can call. He's going into the chiropractor.
And I went to my audition and was a brilliant FUCKED UP mess of an actor. The casting director laughed and then asked if I was multi-ethnic. I said, "Because I have an Asian-Persuasion Eye?" I managed to bring the comedy even under stress, Folks!
I called TC and left a janky voice mail that ended with me singing "AWWWK-WARRRD!"
He called back and we caught up while laughing, him all jolly and shit; me like I wanted to kill myself. He was fine, too fine, I wanted him to be less fine, less okay with hearing how I felt. I even said at one point, "You're being TOO okay, I hate it!" And then I said, "Is there anything you want to discuss about the voice mail?" He laughed and said, "Noooo, do yoooou?" "I think my feelings were pretty clear on the message you heard." "Would you rather I not tell you I heard it?" "NO, no, I'm glad you did. Really glad. Not that you heard but that you TOLD me that you heard." And then as I navigated through the conversation with him I came up to, "I was being dramatic because my feelings are hurt." "They are?" "Yeah, TC, they are." "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." "You don't hurt my feelings, that's why this is so hard because you are just doing you and we are just in two different places and want different things and it hurts. It's no one's fault. But I can't keep going through it I tried to pull away without even making an announcement about it, I just wanted to slip away and my EGO CAN'T EVEN LET ME HAVE THAT. I CAN'T EVEN BE COOL." "You have been cool. You are cool." Silence. Because I sure didn't feel cool.
We tried some more small talk and then I made the move to get off of the phone. He said one last time, "I'm so sorry your feelings are hurt," and I replied with silence, enough silence for him to say, "Hello?" and for me to say, "I'm still here." More silence. I managed, "I'll see you around." "I'll talk to you soon?" Definitely a question to which I replied, "I'll see ya around."
I hung up with my heart in my throat not able to cry but not able to hear anything else but the blood rushing in my ears.
I sit here in the Starbucks thinking about all the wonderful things he's brought to my life...things kinda started on my birthday, did I mention that? It was a Big One for me and I had a BBQ and he took care of me that night so beautifully, every time I had a drink 3/4 finished I had a new one from him, any time someone asked me where something was he ran and got it instead so that I could be with people. I am so grateful to have the feeling of being taken care of like that, even for a night. But he did it often for me in these last few months, especially while I was producing the show. We talked dirty on the phone many of those late nights, making us both laugh and blush for hours sometimes. When he came to see the show, I wrote down all of the things I appreciated about him on a card as a thank you...it was a real vulnerable thing for me to do. I'm having a bit of a Lloyd Dobbler moment..."Nuke it. Destroy it. It hurts me to know it's out there."
But I can't be like that because I love him. And it fucking sucks a bag of dicks.
I have to say, FOJI had the best advice during our epic hang: "2014 has gotta be the Year of the Sexual Revolution for you. You gotta stop falling in love and start fucking."
It's my new mantra.
