He got married. That fast. He got married. I tell myself it's all for the best and then I remember-
HE GOT MARRIED.
This is The Carpenter. The one I decided I couldn't be friends with...for a minute. I went away for a quite a few weeks, flirted with a Young Man on a Horrible Gig with Me while 2000 miles away from L.A. and came back thinking: "It's okay. I can reach out! It's better."
We played phone tag and The Carpenter's messages were wrought with I-have-to-tell-you-something. We finally connected. "I want to tell you in person," he said on the phone. "Just tell me now!" I insisted. "Jesus. It's all good."
After reconnecting with his serious high-school sweetheart back east, he decided to see if they could give their relationship another chance. She agreed whole-heartedly that they should and the plan was made for them to drive across country over the summer and move in with him. "Them" included a daughter who is a senior in high school.
Are you back? Because I'm sure that took a min to soak in.
As the words hit my ear, I definitely choked up. And I was mad that I did. It wasn't a full-on sob. It was a catch in the throat. I don't know if he even caught it. I muscled through the rest of the conversation, asking questions to keep it light and airy. When I hung up, I did cry for, like, two minutes, fast and furious. And then I prayed for perspective. Actual insight. I wanted to know what to take away from this whole thing.
And the answer came. I thought back to the first time I inquired about TC. We had been giving each other a hard time in a production meeting; it was fun and flirty and I took it...pretty far! I asked a friend who was at the meeting about him: "Is he married or have a girlfriend or attached in any way, because, if so, I am being wildly inappropriate with him." She laughed and said, "No, I don't think so. But I'm not sure. You should find out!"
And I should have. I mean, I guess I did. The reason why this is such a revelation to me is because I somehow knew in my gut he was not available from the get-go. I knew he had given his heart away already. Initial instinct. Very strong. This gave me so much relief and actually got me to being genuinely happy for him almost immediately. I was able to see him without drama over the next few months, but things did shift. The innuendo in our talks disappeared. No more calls after 11pm. Even compliments changed in tone. And I knew that those last weeks before the momentous cross-country caravan were a fiery friendship fizzling out into ash.
Summer was busy. I traveled; he traveled with his new family and finally I saw him at our theatre's monthly company meeting. He called ahead to tell me he'd gone to City Hall to make it official before they took off. It prepared me for the shiny gold band on his tanned left hand. Sort of. Wasn't even a year after I'd asked, "Is he attached in any way...?"
We don't speak at all now, really. Only run-ins at the theatre. I miss him. Can't lie about that.
But I have been working on Full On Jersey Italian's challenge to make this the Year of the Sexual Revolution. The Young Man on a Horrible Gig with Me? We finally were on the same coast. It was easy and fun and nice to know I didn't have to work hard to have someone interested in me. It was CLEAR. (Hallelu!) He slept over. Thank GOD. I have not kissed a guy since I moved- FOUR YEARS AGO. The Drought has ended.
It was a relief to feel grown and not like some kind of adolescent, fumbling. I was even honest about the 4 years and he was considerate enough to ask me if it was weird at all. It wasn't! I felt really confident and happy and sexy and like a fucking catch. Ha!
Of course, I have to fight my instinct to care-take and connect. YMoHGwM and I had a very deep conversation about family and there was something he was working through. I just haaaad to call and see how the situation was going; left a voice mail and was responded to with a text. "Sorry I didn't pick up last night..." Youngins like the texts.
Yeah. So, I am trying to get to a place where that is okay; I can be naked with someone and then not be their best buddy. It is OKAY. I certainly don't need to mother someone from 2000 miles away. Hit it and quit it does exist, Cool Girl!!
I have a lot of places I'm going all across the country until the end of the year. Let's see how many of them are for Lovahs...
