Internet Dating. Its been like the scary movie I don't want to go near. People can tell me how much fun it is and how they had such a great time but all I see is disemboweling and lots of blood. It has always been the thing that just the mere idea of doing sends me into a tailspin, every insecurity I have swirling about my head as I drown in a sea of self-doubt. And this is on a good day.
So I try it.
'Cause here's the thing- I have been conquering my fears one at a time out here on the West Coast. I had a major phobia of driving and I got my license in October and now scoot around town in a car I'm renting from a friend. And living with three other single 30-somethings is terrifying after living alone for so long. And admitting I had a real addiction to sugar has not been a walk in the park. So, Internet Dating it is!
I'm so sure I'm acting like I came to this decision all on my own. Such a liar. I had a friend and her fiance' who met on Match give me a good talking to about it while in NYC last. She was so good, in fact, I convinced her to start an Internet Dating Coaching Business. I referred her to her first client and she even has business cards now, I think. I'll call her Internet Dating Coach, and her fiance' who is just finishing up his residency, Dr. Internet Dating Coach. They are the cutest things EVER and just got married last weekend.
I gave my usual protests: that the idea of 'shopping' for someone was totally unappealing, that the idea of someone shopping for ME and judging me based on photos made me throw up in my mouth, that I have so much wonderful emotional fulfillment in my gay male relationships that straight guys don't stand a chance in comparison, that I have a chubby chaser issue...the list went on and on.
Now IDC had been through the Match.com wringer for two whole years, making every mistake she could, which she herself admits. The last straw for me was, when she was going back and forth on instant messages with a new guy while at work in our dressing room, she asked if there was a 24 hour Starbucks because she wanted to meet the guy for the first time at one in the morning. (!!!) I quietly sank into the chair next to her and whispered intensely, "You are going to text message me when you get there and then every ten minutes until you are home and in your bed, understood?" It was then IDC realized she was being a bit reckless. She was a recent divorcee and going balls to the wall- eventually she developed a good vetting process and soon found Dr. IDC.
So many of my fabulous gay friends had also suggested Match ("You should live your life, Boo; take a chance; get your kiki on!") and IDC was a firm believer obviously but it wasn't until a late night debate with her & her man that I warmed up to the concept. "You don't have to do any of the work if you don't want to," Dr. IDC said. "You can literally let them come to you. And they will." It was like I got the ultimate green light to be passive aggressive. Which is not like me. I am aggressive-aggressive (one of my favorite quotes from I HEART HUCKABEES, by the way). Or was. Or I am in most of my life but in order to swallow the pill of Internet Dating, I was going to HAVE to be the other. It was just too damn frightening.
I feel like I should give a little more explanation about why I have such resistance to meeting up with strangers for "dates". The summer after I graduated college, I found a job working as a telemarketer for the New York City Ballet in fundraising. Basically calling up people who had been to the ballet at some point during the year and landed on the NYCB mailing list and chatting. Its amazing how many single guys had bought Nutcracker tickets that year. I feel like I talked to all of them. And I was a telemarketing whore. I gave phone sex voice until they gave me a $100 donation. Of course some of them wanted to meet the girl at the ballet in person, stupidly assuming I was a ballerina apparently. Almost every date was a complete disaster except for the 40 year old who look liked he was Richard Dryfus' hot younger brother, but our age difference even bothered him. Blind dating was never an option ever again after that summer. I even had one charmer say to me over the phone, "I'll take an ugly girl over a fat girl any day because even if a girl is ugly with a hot body, you can always turn off the lights." Ugh. What a douche.
OkCupid is where I have ended up and it is kind of a nightmare. I've gotten a lot of serial killer looking dudes, 45 year old Marilyn Manson wannabes and 60 year old Asian men writing to me. But I did finally hear from a guy who was first-date worthy and I went. And it was nice. Fine even. Ends up he was at my friend's zeppole booth at the San Genaro Festival in September when I was working for her; he even had pics from it. He knew a guy who was working with us- such a small world. We had a great conversation that never lulled. But I didn't feel the chemistry. You know, that lil crackle in the air that has a hint of danger in it. Like you'd kinda wanna do stupid things with someone. And my inner voice kept chanting "Give it a chance, give it a chance..." so when it came time to leave, First Internet Date put his hand on the table and said, "Next time I'll take you to where the good pizza is in LA," and I, making a conscience choice to not be closed off, reached out to put my hand on top of his as I said, "That'd be great!" but instead of us touching, FID FLINCHED away and I MISSED. The moment suspended in time as we stared at the set of hands on the table and as if he was a wide receiver trying to salvage the fumble, he awkwardly placed his pinky and tip of his ring finger on top of my knuckle. *sigh* Awky McAwkwardton, anyone?
A few hours later I met up with a few peeps at the Villiage Idiot. One was heelarious Asian Gay Man, another was the 90 lbs. Slip of a Blonde who I had done a show with for a minute; she's a bit looney tunes in a good way and funny as a result. One was this guy I had met at a party in LA and we exchanged info because he had a short film he wanted me to read but I heard nothing from him. He lit up when he saw me. WE had mad chemistry. The crackle was obvious. He was a real flirt in general but we cracked each other up during our first meeting and picked up where we left off immediately. This is what I was talkin' 'bout. I know this exists.
And because Cool Girl can't be satisfied with personal growth, she immediately took in Slip of a Blonde and this guy and said, "Why aren't you going out with him?" and basically, after about 20 minutes, successfully bullied them into dating. *sigh* Its like the bar was named after me...
I just checked OkCupid. Nothin'. Not even a 'wink'. I think I may need the services of Mrs. IDC. STAT.
