Back in the day, I used to talk about my capacity to love like a great violinist with no violin to play. I'd pace up and down Ninth Avenue with a favorite gay, talking about how big it felt inside, this potential I had in me, with no real outlet. "I'm just waiting for my violin!" I'd shout, fists shaking in the air.
Did I mention Big Heartbreaker is a violin player.? Yep-puh. One of the best I've ever heard.
I left you on the street in Midtown Manhattan, giddy and blushing with joy over the two minute phone call I'd had with BH. I was now on Cloud Nine. I became bold. So bold, in fact, that I called A Brother From Another Mothah to tell him the news. "I spent the night with BH last night," I blurted out. I was met with stone-cold silence and then ABFAM said a quick goodbye. I had broke the Bro Code.
Next time I was with the Straight Guy Theatre Crew, Cool Girl had redoubled her efforts. It was also the first time I saw BH. He said hello from across the room with a look in his eye that kept me from approaching him. I became steely. I sat through talk of porn: favorite positions, real tits vs. fake tits, even how they liked their bush, bald or natural. BH made a point of giving his opinion on that last topic while he stared right at me. I turned the color of beets and ran up to the bar for another drink. When I came back, my Hippie Contortionist Friend had joined us; she was a sight for sore eyes. Cool Girl was loosing her grip. She and ABFAM had started hooking up recently, a pairing that was surprising to the rest of us but made things fun. She's fun times.
The night ended without incident and also without acknowledgement. But HCF and I confided in each other all of our feelings about these boys on our own time and I think I would have gone bat-shit crazy without her. One night, we were in a marathon over-share while on the Long Island Rail Road, I wanna say. We fessed up all of our never-to-be mentioned secrets; I gave her every last detail of Valentine's Day, including BH's rant about his feelings for me and my spaztic state of mind ever since. The next time I spoke alone to BH was to let him know I told ABFAM; "I KNOW you did," he growled at me; I had never wanted to share how that made me feel but trusted HCF with the humiliation. She was an insider. She got it. We traded theories on the psychology of the group like goddamn Dr. Phil and Oprah. The best thing was that she was supportive in the idea of me & BH as a couple. "He said he wished that he wasn't this way...so I just have to wait it out, right?! Like, he's messed up about his break-up and needs a minute. It's just too soon." I picked apart every word he had said for HCFs opinion and built a case that no one could argue against.
So BH & I danced around each other amongst this group for weeks; there was sexual innuendo when enough alcohol was involved, but Cool Girl was getting more and more sarcastic and generally snarky. All the while HCF & ABFAM were openly affectionate and entirely into one another. It was on Easter when Cool Girl lost her resolve.
I was house sitting for friends in Queens very close to where BH lived. I called and he answered which was amazing in itself. After a few minutes of friendly banter, I dove in. "I'm house sitting around the corner; why don't you come over?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "It's so close. When do we ever get to be alone?" I was practically begging; in the moment, even I heard it in my voice. Then BH got harsh. "Look, this is not going to be what you want it to be, okay? I know what you think. HCF told me." My heart went into my stomach. She could have said many, many things. "What did she tell you?" I croaked out. "That you're just waiting for me to get sober, stop drinking or whatever because then you think we can be together."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"
You know that rarest of moments when what you say & how you say it match perfectly to what is going on in your head? Yeah. It was the "What" Heard 'Round the World. I. Was. Pissed.
"I never, ever said that, BH. Ever." "Well, that's what she said." "And you chose to believe her over me? You have been so fucked up and distant with me because of what SHE said and never ONCE thought about ASKING me about it?!" Beat. "Well, what DID you say?" he asks.
I welled up. Took a big breath. Was silent for a while. He even said my name to make sure I was there.
I chose to tell him the truth. At least part of it.
"Well, you said all of those things to me that night and I figured you'd let me know when you were ready to try something real, because you said you wished you weren't the way you were right then, and I figured you were fucked up from your break-up..." I trailed off. Now it was BH's turn to be silent. I said his name to make sure he was still there.
And then it hit me like a Mack truck: he didn't remember annnything from that night. Not one word he'd said to me. Not one fucking thing.
I gasped at the realization. And I asked him out loud if that was the truth. "What did I say to you?" was my answer. I didn't think it was possible for me to turn more red, but I managed. The human body is an amazing thing.
"I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot believe this is happening," I kept repeating as he begged me to tell him what he'd said. How the tables had turned. "You don't deserve to know," I whispered. He sighed. "Well, what do we do now?" "I'll tell you what I'M going to do. I'm going to San Francisco for two months to do my work and I'm not speaking to you the entire time. That's what I'm doin'." "Well...that sucks." he responded quietly. "Yeah. Lots of things suck." And I hung up. And wailed. Deep wails from my guts that felt like my soul was being wrung out.
At one point, I thought of it being the feast of the Resurrection and yet I felt like I was just dead and buried. And I laughed at the drama of my inner monologue. It's the only thing that stopped my tears.
So I had all of this spaaaace now in my head that BH used to occupy. The only thing that stopped me from imploding was falling in love with San Fran, I think. It took up that space. That, and practically living in a chilly dark theatre while helping create a big, fat hit of a show. It was appropriate; my heart needed to hibernate.
At the end of my San Fran stay, I found myself confessing things to My Show Best Friend on pillows she had bought for the two month stay, from Marshalls, of course. "I've been thinking of contacting him when I get back," I said while picking at the beaded silk in my lap. "You know, to talk to him. To hash it out. We just have so many friends in common..." MSBF found my eyes and asked me, straight up, "If today he said, 'I wanna be with you. Come back and be with me.' would you take him up on his offer?"
I felt the ice-cap melting...
"Yes. Yes I would."
"Then, you should call him."
And I did.
