I've mentioned that I'm in Hypnotherapy. There is a misconception that you don't remember anything while hypnotized and that you actually have someone manipulate you during sleep. *buzzer* Wrong.
What DOES happen is that you have a guided meditation while in a highly relaxed state and basically get to daydream. I daydream all the time. Maybe to a fault. Certainly in the past this has been the case. I'll never forget the first time I realized that some people don't daydream.
My best friend from high school was in love with her Neighbor. Like, the Neighbor she grew up with who was about 5 doors down from her mom's house. He had just bought his childhood home from his parents who retired and moved away, I think. My BFFHS was spending aloooot of time there, doing a Cool Girl thing with him. Which was unusual because she usually went right for what she wanted and got it in relationships, and I spent many years of our friendship wishing I could be more like her. To quote When Harry Met Sally, guys were always crossing a room to talk to My BFFHS; even my own older brother said she was pretty enough to be a model. And although people would often think we were sisters, I always felt like she was the Pretty One and I was the Funny One.
This friendship of theirs blossomed while I was about to leave for a European Tour, right after I graduated college, and after hearing so much about him, the three of us hung out. We had a very long night of drinking and laughing at his house and by the end understood why My BFFHS was head over heals for him- he was a good time. And they had mad chemistry.
Fast forward to my third or fourth month on tour; it was all snail mail then, folks, no laptops or cell phone (I'm so old!) and I got a large manila envelope handed to me from my company manager. Inside were 8 pages or so of beautiful white draft paper with gorgeous printing- The Neighbor had written to me. And it was a strange letter that I read several times to understand- he basically wrote out a "date" he was having with me. I was stunned. First of all, when you meet a guy your friend likes, they may as well be a cousin to you. Period. This is how I roll. And second of all, I could not wrap my head around him choosing me over My BFFHS- would not accept it. So... I left it alone. And didn't mention it to anyone, especially not to her. It was the first secret I'd ever kept from her.
I returned to NYC in the summertime and began living with a good friend from tour in Park Slope, Brooklyn. The Neighbor contacted me to see about a visit. I, of course, contacted My BFFHS to see if she was planning on joining. She said she'd try but then something happened about when she could come and the Neighbor and her were no longer coming up together. She ended up not coming at all. And I remember it being preventable but I didn't prevent it. He came through my front door with a big hug and got comfy on my "new" area rug (it was so a newly-cleaned hand-me-down) which is where he was when my roommate met him. When she and I had a moment alone in our tiny kitchen, she whispered, "Okay, who's the sexy man lying on our rug right now?!" Sexy. I couldn't believe it. Or wouldn't is probably more like it. I was a hot stinking mess after her comment and when she excused herself very discreetly to leave us alone, I think I was purple with rosacia. Flushed from head to toe. I was in a pickle and couldn't get out.
To this day, I couldn't tell you how we got there, but at one point the Neighbor came up behind me, put his arms around me, whispered in my ear and asked me to give him a chance. I am tearing up right now thinking about it. I squeaked out, "What about My BFFHS?" and then pled my case with my "you're like a cousin to me" reasoning and he resisted only a bit before agreeing not to push but that he hoped I'd change my mind one day. Now I had a bigger secret to keep from My BFFHS.
It was the first fight she and I ever had. Over a guy. I was at a complete loss. My life-skills had not prepared me for this. She was very hurt about not being included in the weekend and we didn't speak for a few months. I was devastated. She was the only girlfriend from home I still kept in touch with and was my oldest friend.
During those months, my college friend was in the West Side Story tour which was making a stop in Delaware and I decided to go. And I boldly asked the Neighbor to come with. I don't know why I did it- to see if we could be friends? That's the answer I told myself, I guess. On the drive down, he asked me what I thought of CT and if I thought I could live there; he obviously hadn't given up on "us." I thought he was delusional.
We got there early and decided to walk around in the historic downtown area and began talking about our dreams while strolling along the cobblestone streets. Hopes may be a more appropriate word. I started talking about my daydreams and actually used that word and he stopped me- "You actually daydream?" he asked, wide-eyed, looking at me like I was some exotic creature that took his breath away. "Well, of course," I answered, "I like to imagine what my life will be like while I'm awake, not just by chance while I'm asleep." He beamed. "That is so cool," he said. My heart became so very sad for him. You see, he spent time imagining a life with me, but never on what HE wanted for HIS life. And I realized that day that not everyone daydreamed like I did.
My dreams have changed greatly and so have my friendships. I haven't spoken to My BFFHS in over a year because of a falling out we've had. I was terribly heartbroken and still am. I do daydream about making amends. I hope it one day does come true.
I sometimes daydream about what life would have been like for me if I took a chance on the Neighbor. I wonder if anyone will ever be bold enough again to wrap his arms around my waist and ask me to take a chance. In my dreams, my heart says "Yes."
