I've been away for a while because I actually felt like I had this Cool Girl shit under control for a minute. But then September came and theeeen I didn't write because I was avoiding the shenanigans in my life. 'Cause that's how Cool Girl rolls.She sucks. Especially when something goes down that she knooows is futile, she knoooows has never worked in the past and she THOUGHT was a behavioral pattern that was dead and buried.
You guys remember The Touch of Gay Curse? Yeah. I've developed a terrible, passionate, fully-loaded crush on a gay guy. Well, at least a guy who fucks dudes. *sigh* Labels are sometimes complicated...
It's just so emBARrassing. HuMILiating. LAME. And you know what got me into this mess?! THEATRE. Good ol' American Musical Theatre. Every stinking time. I'm having fun. I'm feelin' myself. I'm in my POWER. And then I'm busted. Busted DOWN.
When you are in a show that is good, that is a fulfilling experience, ask anyone who performs for a living: the Love flows. It's Freedom and Magic and Trust and The Land of Make Believe. Literally. I was in this heavenly space. Someone on the first day of rehearsal seems to laugh at all your jokes and makes you laugh too and that horrible first-day-of-school nervousness goes away because you have a FRIEND. I will never forget when starting rehearsals for my first Broadway show, Billy the Angel was truly that when he took me by the hand and introduced me to a bunch of dancers who I did not know but who all knew each other and got me "in." Stand-Up Yogi was one of them. I still sleep on her couch when I visit NYC. It's a defining moment in the life of an actor, that first day.
Ends up, I knew and enjoyed this Show Crush back in the day; I was taken with him then, during this first Broadway show of mine. We were not in a show together but hung in similar circles, although his was faster and partied a bit harder than mine. Let's just say on this first day of rehearsal, I remembered him but he didn't remember me. The cast was small and the rehearsals were few and we had a looooot of work to do. But the air crackled with fun.
There is an interesting thing that happens when someone asks your advice for the first time. I am always amazed when people can do this so openly, without covering it up with layers of circumstance or playing like it was their idea in the first place. SC was so vulnerable and asked such an interesting question about a situation with a friend. I admire that in people because I am not good at doing that at all. I gave my opinion. he took it in and thanked me. And that's kinda when the friendship deal is sealed for me. Something...clicks.
We quickly exchanged numbers and I would talk to him almost every night into the wee small hours. Half asleep one night I whispered, "Tell me a secret." And he did. And I did. Back and forth we went. Thinking of it now, it seems like a goddamn Nicolas Sparks novel. *barf* One night, he seemed a lil...weird. And was eating weird things. And cooking boxed Mac & Cheese wrong. Like, without a liquid. Then he mumbled something about wishing we were married detectives before getting off the phone. The next day, he confessed he took Ambien before he called me. Greeeeat. What he kinda pieced together was that he meant we were like Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which made me pee.
Over the weeks, we bonded over the places we came from which are so similar, our crazy families, our Catholic histories, our theatrical successes & failures and our starting from scratch out in Los Angeles. He's so gifted. Really brilliant. I like being around his light. I feel like I vibrate higher when I'm around him. One night, I had a few people over for cocktails and made him stay just a lil longer; I confessed to him, "I just don't want you to leave. Ever. I wanna be around you all of the time." He said him too. Then at 2:30 in the morning I went outside and picked lemons off the giant tree at the front stoop so he could take them home. His eyes shined as he left. Another late night on my couch, he told me about his rough first semesters in college and I held his hand and cried for his younger self. I told him I wish we had met in college. We decided to write a script about that very What If...
Compliments from a gay are the worst because they are generally better than any that a straight guy can come up with. They are more detailed usually, have more thought behind them, and many times take you by surprise because a male is actually paying attention to some shit. SC was lavish with compliments and never wanted to do my hair when giving one. He talked about a girlfriend he'd lived with for about a year (not so long ago); women he'd had sex with seemed to keep popping up to see the show. It was all very... layered. Because he also has a boyfriend currently. And an ex-boyfriend came to do the show with us as a replacement for a few weeks. And he and I talked about cute boys all of the time. But he was always very adamant about him being my only "Boo." The show was dirty and oversexed and so was almost everyone backstage. I've seen more heads of penises and areolas than I can count. There was lots of inappropriate touching and kisses and groping. Many commented to us after a bit of rough-housing, "Just do it already!" "It's like you're friggin' married." Illusion was winning but would not last forever. I KNEW this. I know myself. The party was going to be over once the show was. We got our closing notice.
I kept telling him, "Everything will be different. This will all change." And he kept arguing, "Why are you SAYing that?! You are the only person I hang out with in LA!" But, see, it wasn't about the time spent; it was about me and my crazy. I started to be mean, something I do when I don't want to deal with missing someone or change. Then I'd have to apologize but only half-way explain. How do you tell someone that you have to talk yourself out of falling in love with them every day?! It was maddening.
Christmas break has given me distance which is a good thing. We hadn't spoken until 2 nights ago when he returned to LA and took Ambien again for the first time in weeks. He called at 3am my time. I don't wanna do relationships under the influence. Even a friendship with layers. I just reread my Big Heartbreaker entries and the reminder of how busted that all was...I'm realizing how repetitive this all seems to be. I have no neat bow for this. There are strings hanging all over the place. I love him dearly. I want him in my life always. I just need to get over wanting his attention & affection all of the time.
I actually just messaged a guy on OkCupid who is a drummer with tattoos to see if I can throw myself into the arms of testosterone to get me over this crush. Maybe a good pounding can cure what ails me.
